:: Running from the Thought Police ::

:: Friday, January 28, 2005 ::

For My Own Gratification

While wandering through Wikipedia instead of doing my homework, I landed on the Tonight Show entry and thought, "Carnac the Magnificent would make a great Dining Hall skit!" Knowing that I'd have to find enough Carnac jokes to be able to sift out enough clean ones, I went searching far and wide on Google. Here's what I found, for future reference and my enjoyment.

(Sources: here, here, here, here, and here. Note: Most of the jokes here are, as far as I know, Johnny Carson's own, plus a few done in the style of Carnac.)

(Scene: A small table, with two chairs, one on either side. The "Answers" are on a piece of paper laying on the table, in order, not visible to the audience)

Announcer: Heaven has no brighter star than our next stellar guest, that omnipotent master of the east and former manicurist to Howard Hughes, Carnac the Magnificent...

(Enter Carnac, who stumbles)

Announcer: Welcome once again, O Great Sage... I hold in my hand these envelopes. As a child of four can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a #2 mayonnaise jar since noon today on Funk and Wagnell's porch. No one knows the contents of these envelopes, but you, in your mystical and borderline way, will ascertain the answers to these questions having never seen them before.

Carnac: I must have absolute silence. (Pauses)

(For all instances, Carnac holds the letter to his forehead, says the answer, and then hands the envelope to the Announcer, who may repeat the answer. If the answer is exceedingly strange, Carnac and the Announcer will repeat it a few more times. The Announcer then opens envelope and reads the question.)

(The Following is a full list of relatively clean questions. Max length of the skit would be about 8-10 questions, depending on the audience's attention span and how many groaners are in the bit.)

A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?

A: Kumquat.
Q: What do you say when calling your quat?

(After being booed or groaned at by the audience, Carnac picks from a list of insults [below])

A: Quit while you're ahead
Q: What should you do after you are killed by a guillotine?

A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?

A: 20,000 Leagues Beneath the Sea.
Q: Where is the American dollar headed?

A: Trapper John.
Q: What do you call a KYBO built on quicksand?

A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?

A: Supervisor.
Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.
Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy-Kitchy?

A: That darn cat.
Q: Who ruined that darn rug?

A: Trains, planes and automobiles
Q: Name three things Microsoft is prohibited from making because they'd crash a lot.

A: Timbuktoo.
Q: What comes after Timbuk-one?

A: The Chicago Cubs.
Q: Who was just arrested for impersonating a baseball team?

A: Blazing Saddles.
Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?

A: Groundhog.
Q: What's in Jimmy Dean's sausages?

A: "Leave it to Beaver."
Q: What did the dead raccoon say in his will?

A: Bambi, the White House grounds and the new TV season.
Q: Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.

A: Planter's Punch.
Q: What do you call getting hit with a fistfull of peanuts

A: Flypaper.
Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?

Announcer: And now I hold in my hand the last envelope. [applause]
Carnac: (Insult from list.)

A: Sis-Boom-Bah
Q: Describe the sound you hear when a sheep blows up!!

Here's the (clean) insult list.

May your prize bull hate cows.
May a crazy holy man set fire to your nose hair.
May a queasy camel freshen up your mother's evening bath.
May a herd of vultures nest in your underwear drawers.
May the winds of the Sahara blow a desert scorpion up your turban.
May you fall asleep under a camel with post nasal drip.
May a carsick mongoose change the color of your seats.
May an unclean yak have an accident on your toupee.

Yeah, I know that was boring, but I had to put it somewhere I could find later. If you're feeling really ambitious, you can leave a few of your own in the comments section.

:: The Squire 12:04 AM :: email this post :: ::
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